A Contributors Contribution

GUEST POST

Thought it was time I gave someone else a go, so I'm handing the keyboard over to my boyfriend Josh. Josh lives with me in Brighton and has just finished a Masters degree in Literature & Philosophy. He often gets sidelined in the kitchen but tonight he had his chefs hat on and created a masterpiece!

Thank you to the lead rambler for asking me to do this; thank you to the rambler audience for listening to me doing this. The idea for the recipe first came to me in a dream, some two years ago, and, not knowing how to act on it, the idea (for the recipe) slipped back into my subconscious. There it stayed – until now, today, when it mysteriously surfaced again via a daydream. Who are we to understand the (mysterious) workings of the brain? Who are we?

I began by taking the pizza base from its transparent envelope (I slipped it off, like a garment (underwear)) and set it out flat on the kitchen surface, like a corpse. I then took a jar of pasta sauce and, sensing the sauce’s potential for flexibility, used it as pizza topping. About half of a small jar (as to the precise weight of the jar: your guess is as good as mine) was adequate. I spread it all over in equal measure, with all the sensitive - and professional - touch of a masseuse spreading oil 'pon a back (and here I don’t allude to prostitution: I actually mean a masseuse). With that accomplished, I took just under half a packet of  cheese (Vegusto - ed.)and cut it into thin slices. This is where I really came into my own; I didn’t just directly lay the cheese onto the base – like flowers onto a grave – but instead worked to massage the cheese (that again!) into even thinner and wider pieces: thus covering as much of the base as I could.

I should say that, whilst this was going on, I had sent a couple of Sainsbury’s vegetarian sausages into the oven for cooking. After 10 minutes I removed them, cut them up, and added them on top of the base, sauce and cheese. I tore them into reasonably small pieces, thus allowing them, like the cheese before it, to spread out across the field. I added a little oil (don’t know which), placed the whole thing onto a baking tray and then into the oven. I left it for 20 uneasy minutes before removing, slicing up, and eating.